Perhaps I find it normal. Perhaps I just live in my own world.
I could almost be ok with it. But sometimes its just too dark and too cold.
The things I want to do, just take a walk to a seaside, watch the stars, the quiet walk to the forest side.
But sometimes you figure its safer when someone's with you. Is that when you start feeling lonesome? But all along you've been taking these walks because you wanted to be alone.
Maybe if the world was the way I wanted it to be, then I'd be ok.
We all have our addictions. Perhaps drugs and alcohol are the worst, but the human addiction is also bad. Don't get me wrong, I am not talking about a physical human addiction, but the addiction of wanting someone to be at your side, to think of you and to be at your call.
Its this addiction thats got us tied down and stuck to a web. The interweb. Its our 24/7 connection to the world. For me, its my connection to the world. Without it, there's the unbearable feeling of emptiness. This feeling isnt present when I am outdoors though. I find without "nature", I feel lonely. Because out there, there's so much more. And in here, I need attention.
But my internet addiction only goes so far. The people I feed my addiction with are people I know, people for the most part that I've met in person, through school and or through already established friends. And for the very few I havent met in person I've still been introduced through friends whom I do know.
Those old days of being an online gamer were restricted to only talking to the unknown within game. That was harmless, you'd only ask for things in game, talk about the game, and things related to it. These were like bots, like NPC's that you interact with. I never built a friendship out of those.
So we go back to this internet connection with those I do know. What is it that keeps me needing the connection. All I want is attention. To know there's someone out there who thinks of me a lot. Someone that I respect and enjoy talking to. Of the hundreds of people on either of my internet connection networks I find I only tend to care for less than 5 at once. Those people tend to change too. People change. I go from one interest to the next. It seems all I want is the attention.
I'd consider this harmless. Its but what most call a friendship. My most current closest online friendship is with someone I havent met. Perhaps you'd consider that scary? The only reason I dont is because of whom introduced us, a colleague and friend. And considering this individual plans on joining my work, I see it as a collegial and work-related connection, or at least thats how it began.
I might go off into a bit of a personal tale to exemplify a point later on. We met through email when my friend E told M that I worked in this particular lab this led to questions regarding my research, the lab..etc.. what you would normally expect from someone interested in the work in your field. Thats also where you expect a pen-pal friendship to stop. Stop at discussions of work and work only. Now I decided I'd add M to my other online networking connection since our friend E was on it. That led to a series of messages back and forth (sort of like emails) which contained topics of normal discussion: jokes, music, culture, etc. The messaging on the other network then led to M sending me msn messages somewhat daily (we have a time difference) and also "poking" me on the other online network (a poke is a function you can click, and it shows up on your home page.. its just a way of getting your attention effectively). Anyway, we now converse pretty much daily, more than I do with most other friends of mine (along with this redonkulously funny poking). The point of this whole story is, I seem to enjoy the thought of having someone actually think of me everyday. Without even seeing me in person and having to be forcefully reminded that I exist. There are days that I'm too busy to be on MSN and those days I get messages sent on my other network.
So I understand the addiction of wanting to have someone think of you all the time. I think I've always sort of had someone fill that role. Not for every month of my latest part of my life but for a good portion of it. I expect all of these friendships to settle down and cool off to the point where sending messages ceases entirely. It might be a sad way to think of things, but I figure interests change with time. Thats not really the point of this random blog. But it goes to say that I do understand the need to be connected to people.
Now on that stretch, I dont go after people to "date" them. My initial goal for everyone I meet is to see if any of them amuse me enough to become my best friend (those are the ones I spend my time messaging and communicating with). Everyone else takes the role of friend or aquaintance. I only end up hanging out with the ones that do become best friends. And those tend to be rather amusing hanging outs... exploding diet coke with mentos etc etc.
And so I dont find it unreasonable to be disgusted with the online dating frenzy going on. Sure there are lonely people in this world (you might consider me lonely) and sure its hard for people to meet others outside of a college setting (if youre sick of your coworkers). But online dating doesnt make friends (unless you exclusively make friends with the opposite gender which is fine as long as you explicitly state so). I dont think dating is the solution to lonliness. It depends on the age. If you're "at that age" where at some point you expect to find someone to live your life with for the first time... then when you find someone who piques your interest and whom you've established a best friendship with then you can take that extra leap and commit to the next stage. At this point you've already learnt a fair bit about them as your best friend and you'd likely be confident that they're what you want.
Now if you've already gone through that prime part of your life and started a family then my opinion is that dating is not for you. There's a time and place for everything. You cant destroy what you've already created for your own selfishness. Just because your children are at the age when they are likely to find someone to live their life with doesnt mean you need to take your "revenge" and do the same. You've had your shot at life, now its the younguns' turns.
You cant call yourself a parent if you dont care for the kids you've decided to bring into this world. Free spirited wanderers shouldnt have kids. If you want to mess around then be commitment-less. Once you've taken the giant leap of faith and had kids, you're stuck for life. You've committed to that family life. And thats what you should put all of your efforts into. That and/or your career. I meet many single academics who want to remain single to put every drop of their energy into their career. Thats amazingly respectable. Hard work does pay off.
I could rant on about how I hate people who think they're oh so young, can start their lives over again and all that shit. It makes me wish I could adopt my own parents. People who were actually worth being my parents.
I wish I had a real family. One who supported what I did. One with members that actually had brains of a sufficient calibre. Not stupid dreamers.
I hate dreamers. They're good for nothing.
Before I start cursing them with death, I will go offline. And wish I had a family. And wonder if I'll ever want one.
For now, I'll just look for the next best friend who's in the province. And hope that the stupid people around will get their act together before I blow them to bits.
